


And I'm Not As Sad As I Was Before

by synergenic (Losseflame)



Series: Degrees of Perception [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, someone needed to do the fivesome thing, warning for suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-30 03:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Losseflame/pseuds/synergenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After regionals, he hits a low.  This isn’t particularly surprising – Rei has been doing so good for so long, engaged and alive and <i>happy</i>, he thinks, a little bit happy, so of course a low would have to come and even things out – but how unsurprising it is doesn’t comfort Rei when he wakes up feeling the first embers of something slow and sad and dark burning low in his stomach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I'm Not As Sad As I Was Before

After regionals, he hits a low. This isn’t particularly surprising – Rei has been doing so good for so long, engaged and alive and _happy_ , he thinks, a little bit happy, so of course a low would have to come and even things out – but how unsurprising it is doesn’t comfort Rei when he wakes up feeling the first embers of something slow and sad and dark burning low in his stomach.

He heaves in a sigh, rolling his face into his pillow. It is Saturday, the worst time for this to happen because Rei _thrives_ in school, thrives knowing that he can and will meet the expectations set out for him. Validating his worth to himself is easy at school.

It is not easy in his small apartment with his awkward single mother who tries so hard to understand and still manages to fail spectacularly at it.

Rei heaves himself out of bed, knowing if he doesn’t soon he won’t all day, and stumbles to the bathroom, gently pushing the door shut behind him. His hands reach automatically for his pill organizer, pushing on the side of Saturday’s compartment and dropping the pills into his hand.

He stares at them, resting in his palm, the pink square pill and the blue-white oblong one. 

He swallows them dry. 

…

Ryuugazaki Hana is a short woman built thick with frayed brown curls and a bent back like she has the world on her shoulders, a set to her brow that says she’s used to it. Rei looks nothing like her at all – _is_ nothing like her at all – and this fact strikes him hard and deep like grief suddenly as he watches her stir congee on the stovetop. Hearing his steps, his mother turns around to greet him, smiling.

Her smile falters for just a moment when she sees him standing in the doorway, toes curling and uncurling on the cold tile, before it appears again, twice as bright as before.

“Good morning, my sweet boy,” she says, her words warm and weighty. Rei sniffs in a breath. Hana’s method of dealing with him is to be relentlessly cheerful, relentlessly chattering, smothering him at every turn with pet names and hugs. “Sit down for breakfast.”

He does, and tries to listen as she tells him about her day yesterday, the man who sells fish at the market who _was flirting up a storm, really_ , the stray cat she fed some tuna to. The words slide in and out of focus in his ears, and it feels like his stomach has closed itself off, not full but paralyzed, and the congee hits his gut like nausea. 

Theoretically, he understands what his mother is trying to do. Fill his head up with her cheery words instead of his own thoughts, keep him engaged and alert but it does the opposite, his mother’s bright-burning enthusiasm for existing just making the hollow where Rei’s isn’t ache more than it normally does. It makes him tired, what his mother does, and he know he can’t tell her that without hurting her so he bites his tongue and chokes down half his congee before he pushes himself away from the table. 

“I’m…” he starts, before trailing off because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do, can’t think to think of what he can. “I’m going back to bed.”

How easily he falls asleep would worry him if he could care. 

…

“Rei-chaaaaaan,” Nagisa hollers, running down the hallway toward Rei and Rei freezes. Nagisa stops inches from barrelling into him, placing his hands on Rei’s shoulders. “I didn’t see you on the train this morning!” 

Shrugging, Rei attempts to detach himself. He hadn’t been able to make first period, limbs lead when he woke up and mind stagnant, but his mother’s gentle, radically unhelpful advice had eventually pushed him out the door if only to get away. “I was feeling ill this morning, Nagisa-san.” 

“Ehhhhhh,” Nagisa squawks, rising onto his tiptoes to stare at Rei very intently. “You’re feeling better now, though, right? You wouldn’t wanna drown at practice.” 

And fuck, there is practice today, there is practice today and the concept seems so vast and unconquerable that his knees get weak.

“Right,” he mutters, easing out from Nagisa’s hands again. “I need to go to class.” 

It’s his lunch. 

…

Practice is as much of an abject failure as Rei expected, as he fumbles over training exercises he perfected weeks ago, his times set back a few seconds from last practice, his focus non-existent.

“ _Rei_ , what is _up_ with you today?” Kou asks, her similarities to her brother becoming much more apparent by her tone. 

Feeling put on spot – despite how logical her reaction is; in her position Rei would not be acting much different – Rei stammers. Kou’s frown deepens slightly. 

“Ahhh, Gou-kun, Rei was sick this morning,” Nagisa cuts in, stepping between himself and Kou and smiling charmingly. “He’s still weakened!” 

Kou frowns _deeper_ at that, and she pushes Nagisa to the side to step toe-to-toe with Rei. “When you feel bad, you should stay home and sleep and eat soup and stuff.”

She sounds reproachful. It makes Rei queasy with guilt. 

“Of course, Kou-san. Next time,” he says, placating, hoping that she’ll take this and be done with it. 

Squinting her eyes, Kou looks at him with deep, unnerving clarity in her eyes. “Make sure, okay?” 

Rei hunches his shoulders, tries to get out from under her gaze. “Yes, Kou-san.” 

She pats his arm before telling him to get his ass back in the water. 

…

His fingers can’t seem to work properly, and it takes three attempts for Rei to button a button, growing more and more frustrated with himself as he does. He’s chosen an isolated corner of the change room, hidden by a row of lockers, and Kou had told him to pack it in early, so the sounds of his teammates entering startles him.

“—and Rin already agreed anyway, called him yesterday, so I don’t care that you don’t like karaoke, Haru-chan, we are going and we are going to _bond with him_ ,” Nagisa declares loudly. 

Rei freezes, something dark unfurling from where it was twined around his ribs, spreading out liquid and filling his abdomen with something that makes him hunch, hot tears pricking his eyes and he grits his teeth at how _stupid_ he is. 

Of _course_ they want to see Rin just the four of them, of _course_ they want to settle the past between them and start something new, and it doesn’t mean Rei will wake up one morning with a text telling him he’s been kicked off the team for someone better. 

He knows that, but he’d always had the itching feeling of being a cheap replacement, a knock-off brand Rin that couldn’t begin to be what he was to them. And now it isn’t an itch but a full-body burn, and Rei rationalizes that it’s the depression, his brain chemistry fucking him over and making him rotgut sick inside, but –

But it doesn’t make it go away. 

He sucks in several deep breaths, buttoning his shirt at last and taking off his glasses to swipe away the few tears that escaped angrily. Then he pats his face, rolls his shoulders and straightens his back, grabbing his bag and making his way to the exit.

“Ah, Rei-chan, you’re still here! We’re doing a thing Friday, you should come!” Nagisa chirps before Rei can make his escape, and Rei feels a hideous pressure rise up from his gut and try to press tears from his eyes, because he hates –

He hates pity invitations, casual throwaway statements made to the strange kid who takes things too seriously but sometimes makes people laugh with his social ineptitude, which is probably why he has so few friends.

“It’s all right,” Rei says without turning around, and there is a loatheful edge of a crack to his voice.

He walks away very quickly. 

…

“Rei, butterfly, how was –” Hana cuts herself off when she sees her son’s expression.

Rei crumples, dropping his bag to the ground and taking a few stumbling steps forward and his mother meets him halfway, opening her arms and letting him slump into them, taking his weight with her strong frame.

“Mama,” he says, and his voice is the cleaving rasp of a sob. His throat closes up and he shakes, so goddamn sad for no _fucking_ reason and he hates this, he hates the coiled pile of despair between his hips and hates how out-of-control his emotions feel and hates – 

“Oh, I know, I know it’s hard for you,” Hana is murmuring, rocking them back and forth standing. “I know you’re hurting.”

Rei _sobs_ , biting his lip and his mother runs her hands up and down his back. 

“This _will_ pass, Rei, you’ve gotten past times like this before,” Hana says, and this is the only thing she’s learned to say that helps but Rei latches onto those words like a lifeline. “You won’t feel this way forever.”

There is a bone-deep certainty within him that she’s lying, that this will be Rei’s entire life, bored and sad and distant and stagnant and lonely, and he whines behind his teeth. 

Lows can’t last forever, but it feels like they can. 

…

He doesn’t go to school the next day, or the next. He can’t force himself, and the darkness makes him Atlas, crushed to stillness under the weight of it. 

Hana doesn’t know what to do with him, but to be fair, neither does Rei. 

…

“Have you lost weight?” Rin barks, and Rei flinches back. They’re in Rin’s territory right now, another joint practice, so Rei realizes that caution would be wise.

God, he’s so fucking tired.

“Um,” he mumbles, abruptly self-conscious, crossing his arms over his stomach. He has a hard time eating, when he’s like this. It feels more like chore than instinct, and chores require energy and motivation that he can’t access. Rin, frowning, steps close enough to feel invasive, wrapping his fingers around Rei’s wrists and exposing him again. “Hey, Rin-san –!”

“Don’t do it,” Rin says, all the bright-dark intensity that he has roiling under his skin suddenly focused on Rei. Rei swallows, understanding a little better the strange polyamorous crush that Rei has pretended he hasn’t noticed his teammates have.

“Rin-san –”

“It’s not fuckin’ worth it, alright? You’ll never lose enough to be happy,” Rin halfway snarls, and Rei shakes his head, understanding blossoming bittersweet inside him. 

“It – Rin-san – I’m not –”

Still gripping his wrist, Rin leads him past Seijuro toward the mezzanine. “He’s done for today,” he snaps in Seijuro’s direction, who raises a brow and decides not to argue.

Rin picks up his jacket with stiff movements, yanking a granola bar out of the pocket and thrusting it into Rei’s hands. “Eat it,” he orders, pointing at the wrapper.

“I’m not anorexic, Rin-san. I promise.” 

“Fuckin’ prove it then.” Rin purses his lips, raises a brow in Rei’s direction.

Rei, through the syrup he’s swimming through, feels vaguely baffled, but obeys, unwrapping the bar and taking a bite.

It hits his calcified stomach uneasily, and Rei has to swallow a couple times before he can take another bite. Rin hums at him, and Rei flushes, abruptly feeling ashamed. Sickened with himself and disliking how much he likes Rin’s misguided concern, makes him feel like an overeager puppy nipping at the heels of uninterested houseguests.

He’s only getting it because Rin has a personal stake in what he thinks is wrong. 

Staring at the granola bar, he tries to take another bite but he’s just not _hungry_. He hasn’t actively tried to starve himself, has never purged – hasn’t even cut; he tried once and hated the pain too much to do it again – but he just isn’t _hungry_. 

“Sometimes,” he starts, and his voice is too thick. He swallows, clears his throat. “I just have a hard time eating sometimes.”

“Do the others know?” Rin asks, and Rei shakes his head, panic rising in his gut as his ears roar.

He doesn’t want to give them a reason to reject him.

“ _Please_ don’t tell them, Rin-san, please don’t,” he pleads, staring at the ground and feeling the granola bar warp in the fist he’s making. “It could be a favour I owe you, if you –”

“Shut the fuck _up_. I don’t do anything that isn’t my place to do, but you should tell ‘em,” Rin drawls. 

Rei shrugs, keeping his eyes on the ground. “I’ll think about it.”

He can feel Rin’s gaze on him, imagines it to be not unlike the look Kou sometimes gets when she watches him at practice. 

“Sure you will,” he says, and then he leaves it at that. 

…

Rei ends up being manhandled into a team outing with Nagisa – even though he wants to go home and sleep, and sleep, and sleep – and when they get to where they’re to meet up with Makoto and Haru it’s to see Rin and Haru already there, gazing at each other in that emotionally significant way that partly fascinates Rei and partly makes him want to roll his eyes.

He isn’t in a good mood, feels irritable and vulnerable and like his edges are blurring, his thoughts thick and slow and stupid and he already knows how the night will go. Rin will be the centerpiece, as he always is – as he should be, Rei thinks bittersad – and conversation with meld and flow between the five of them but eventually it will be the four best friends, and Rei.

It’s the nature of things. 

“Yo,” Rin drawls, though he’s cut off with a huff when Nagisa throws himself at the boy, flinging his arms around Rin’s broad shoulders and shunting him back a few steps.

“It’s good to see you, Rin-chan,” Nagisa sighs happily, sounding so content with his reality. Rin softens, hugging Nagisa back.

“You, too, freak.” 

Rei clenches his jaw against something hot and humiliating, turning his gaze out to the sea to collect himself.

“Rei,” Haru intones, and Rei startles, turning back to Haru only to cut his eyes away because Haru’s gaze sees more than Rei’s comfortable with. 

“I’m fine,” he says, fisting his hands to keep his voice steady.

Now all three of them are looking at him, Rin’s eyes filled with something Rei doesn’t care to name. 

“Rei-chan?” Nagisa asks, stepping out of where Rin’s arms are still around him – the polyamorous crush, it would seem, is returned, and it’s all vague and uncomfortable and very homosexual but Rei wishes them fulfilling, sweaty group sex once they figure themselves out because he’s not one to resent other people’s happiness just because he has none – and reaching toward Rei.

“Ah, sorry for being late, Ran needed help with math work, and then Ren wanted a snack.” Makoto’s voice rings out behind them, and Rei has never been so relieved. He uses this to turn away, stepping out of Nagisa’s reach to wave at Makoto. 

“Hello, Rei-san,” Makoto says, easysweet when he smiles at him. 

“Hi,” Rei responds, unable to keep Makoto’s gaze.

Makoto’s shoulders stiffen, and he looks over his shoulder to see Haru, staring at him with intense, unreadable eyes. 

“Let’s go, then,” Nagisa chirps, linking arms with Makoto and Rin and skipping forward, leading the way as he is wont to do. 

Haru falls into step with Rei, and Rei glances at him, surprised. Haru walks beside Rin or Makoto or nobody.

“When we went out for karaoke,” Haru begins, “Nagisa wouldn’t stop talking about you. He sang a song in dedication to you.” 

Haru frowns to himself, looking like he’s puzzling over his next words. “I…was the one who asked Nagisa to organize this.” 

Rei opens his mouth, closes it. Haru doesn’t organize outings. Haru wouldn’t go out if the ocean wasn’t out there too. 

“Oh,” Rei says. His voice shakes and he hates it.

“You’ve been distant,” Haru says. Rei waits for the question that never comes, and after a few minutes he shrugs again.

“Yeah,” he says. 

…

Rei can’t focus on the conversation, once they’ve sat down, loud and frenetic as it is, and he feels a sinking melancholy in his gut he can’t reason away, helpless as it grows while the four best-friends-maybe-more lean and sway towards one another.

_There is no reason for you to feel this way_ , he tells himself, shoving a sushi roll into his mouth and chewing determinedly, his stomach closing itself up further at the abruptly disgusting feel of rice on his tongue. _Stop it right now. Smile and talk to Nagisa._

He continues to stare at where his chopsticks are decimating his sushi. _Right now. Talk to him._

Rei looks up, meets Nagisa’s eyes. Nagisa smiles brightly at him and Rei…

Rei can’t think of anything to say.

He looks down again, isolates himself by turning his body toward the window and looking out of it. 

It is, he thinks miserably, the four best friends, and Rei.

…

He isn’t meant to walk in on them and he knows it and he knows none of them are so cruel to do this on purpose but Haru had told him, quiet but firm, to come to his house whenever he needed and –

And Rei’s mother was out at her father’s for the weekend and the apartment was as empty and lonely as Rei imagines the rest of his life will be and Rei was so _low_ that –

It wasn’t safe for him to be alone.

So he goes to Haru’s, because Haru said he could, because Haru isn’t sentimental enough for Rei to think they were throwaway words, and –

He walks in on the fulfilling, sweaty group sex that shouldn’t hurt him as much as it does, Rin holding Haru from behind as they watch Makoto take Nagisa slow, Nagisa making these _noises_ –

That Rei wants to make him make, and this is the worst possible time to discover that the polyamorous mindset of his teammates might have affected him because he looks at what he walked in on and aches so much he could spit blood.

“Sorry,” he says, and his voice is _wrecked_. Nagisa yelps, scrambling away from Makoto and reaching for a discarded shirt. “Sorry,” Rei repeats, retreating. “I didn’t mean to – I’m sorry.” 

“Rei-chan! Rei!” Nagisa is shouting, and Rei doesn’t respond, walking sort of numbly down the hall with his heartbeat loud in his ears and this weird rush underneath it all and –

His face is hot and wet and fixed as he fumbles with the door, hearing desperate movements behind him and he can’t face them right now, he _can’t_ , and his sob rips his chest apart inside as he finally gets the door open and runs. 

…

He gets home and his mind is roaring, there is something heavy and ugly and rotting filling him up and he feels wretched, can barely breathe can barely _think_ –

Whining, he presses his hands into his face and fumbles into the washroom, mind whirring white noise over how much he _hurts_. He sucks in the wail, curling against the wall for just a minute and shaking, reaches into the medicine cabinet and reaching for the sleeping pills his mother takes for her infrequent bouts of insomnia. 

Snorting in a breath, Rei’s hands catch on the lid, fumbling until he rips it off with the ping of broken plastic. His shaking hands drop the pill bottle and its contents on the floor, so Rei crouches, tucking one after the other into his mouth and swallowing, turns on the sink and catches water in his cupped hands and swallows them down proper. 

He exhales, slow, and leans his forehead against the mirror.

_Well_ , he thinks. _That’s that_. 

He’s oddly calm.

…

He passes out. He wakes up vomiting, spitting green bile and partway dissolved pills and his head _hurts_ , feels like it’s splitting in two and his stomach feels worse. The muscles in his body feel like noodles boiled through with acid, shaking and useless. 

There’s a pounding at his door, Rin’s voice yelling his name loudly. 

Rei whimpers, heaves again and chokes over it.

The pounding pauses, and then Rin kicks the door in.

“Rei?” he calls out, and Rei panics, looking at how he’s spread out over the bathroom floor, looks at the vomit that makes it too obvious, and he struggles to get to his feet. 

“Go away,” Rei tries, hoarse, and Rin is getting too close to the bathroom, Rei can hear him –

“Oh, fuck. Oh _God_ , Rei,” Rin says, eyes wide as he takes in the scene. Then he promptly steps over the puddle, crouches next to Rei, sticks his fingers down Rei’s throat and makes him puke again.

More pills come up. 

“How fuckin’ many did you take?” Rin barks, voice edging on hysteria. 

Rei shakes his head, tries to lean his weight away. Rin clamps his arms around him, holding him still as Rin makes him puke again.

Only bile, this time, and then Rei is picked up, like a child, carried out of the bathroom and he twists, trying to break free until Rin growls at him. 

“Just let me goddamn _take care of you_ , you fucked up, beautiful bastard.”

Rei bursts into tears.

…

Rin’s snoring is quiet in his ear, more like eerily rhythmic breathing than anything else, and when Rei shifts, Rin grunts, rolling so that more of his weight is on Rei, tightening his arms around Rei’s waist.

“Dn’ get up,” Rin slurs, “jus’sleep.” 

“Rin,” Rei tries, searching for words to describe how he just needs to find an isolated corner to hate himself and all of his decisions for a few hours. 

Groaning again, but more obnoxiously, Rin cracks open his eyes slightly and wiggles, grasping Rei’s chin in one hand and leaning down and –

Kissing him. Kissing him soft and gentle, lips moving over his like Rin’s talking to him soundlessly.

“Just _sleep_ , Rei,” Rin breathes, running his nose alone Rei’s cheek.

Rei sleeps. 

…

Rei wakes up when Rin kicks the bed, dropping a tray onto the side he doesn’t occupy anymore.

“Breakfast, motherfucker,” he announces, and Rei blinks at him, mind still foggy. 

“What…”

“Egg mess. Scrambled eggs with cheese and meat and vegetables and shit. S’good.” Rin answers a question Rei hadn’t even thought of, looking at the bowl of…egg mess tentatively.

“Oh.”

He thinks about last night. He thinks about whether or not to mention last night.

“ _Eat_ , goddamnit, you need to eat,” Rin snaps irritably, and Rei flushes, feeling the sick-rot feeling bubble up and Rin slaps a hand to his face, shaking his head. “That came out wrong. I want you to eat because you scared the fuck outta me and I want you to be okay.” 

It sounds like every word is a tooth pulled, and Rei watches with fascination as Rin _blushes_ , his cheeks slightly pinker than his hair. Rin glances at him and huffs, posturing with his shoulders and gesturing at the tray again. 

“Will you just –” he says exasperatedly.

Rei picks up the bowl and watches tension drain from Rin as he does.

After Rei has settled in, Rin shoves the tray over, sits next to Rei on the bed. He’s wearing some of Rei’s clothes, Rei notes, and then flushes uncomfortably when he realizes it’s because Rei probably got vomit on his other ones.

Rin looks down as if to confirm what Rei was looking at, and he waves a hand. “I don’t care, don’t worry about it.”

And then he swings his arm around Rei’s shoulder, like he does that, like he’s Nagisa or Makoto or Haru or someone he’s not. Nosing at his temple, Rin huffs a breath. His fingers trail patterns up and down Rei’s arm. 

“You don’t…” Rin starts, and then he coughs. “You aren’t feeling like you were before, now?” 

The question is phrased very delicately, and Rei feels the food grow mould in his gut when he realizes that Rin’s doing what he’s doing to play up to the humiliating crush he knows Rei has on him, on them. 

“Hey,” Rin says, alarmed, “hey, what happened there?”

He splays his fingers along Rei’s cheek, presses down to make him turn his head. 

“Sorry,” Rei says, stupidly.

“No, don’t be, don’t be sorry,” Rin says, voice almost _panicked_. He presses a chaste kiss the Rei’s lips and Rei jerks backward, hunching in on himself.

“I don’t want your pity,” he says, which is a lie, if pity means kissing. 

“Good thing you don’t have it, then,” Rin says, and then he pauses, frowns, and understanding dawns in his eyes. “We – um –”

Rei watches as Rin _blushes_ again, casting his eyes up to Rei from under his lashes, which is just – ridiculous, unnecessary, why would he –

“We were always planning on bringing you in, even when it first…started,” Rin mutters. “It’s just – it’s _weird_ , isn’t it, and it just sort of happened with us so we didn’t know how to – approach it?”

“I sort of knew. Kind of,” Rei says, mind spinning dizzily over Rin’s other words and they refuse to process, refuse to translate into sense.

Rin laughs. “You’re a fuckin’ genius,” and then he’s kissing Rei again, kissing Rei like he meant those words and Rei gasps when Rin’s tongue touches his.

He’s clutching very tightly onto Rin’s shoulders, and Rin’s pulling back with a groan. “Fuck, Rei, shit, we can’t do this right now, not right after –”

He cuts himself off. 

“Yes we can, I think we can, we should,” Rei babbles, because if Rin leaves now he’ll realize what an awful mistake bringing Rei into anything is, and he’ll tell the others who will agree and – “It’s not even – not the first time, used to this stuff, please keep kissing me.” 

“There – okay,” Rin says, pushing his hair back from his face, “There is a thing in there that you said that I want to address sometime, but for now – shit, okay.” 

He breathes in, looks at Rei who looks back. “Shit, you’re hot,” Rin mutters. “Feel fuckin’ guilty for thinking it right now, Jesus.” 

Rei, because he’s pretty sure at this point he can, kisses the underside of Rin’s jaw. Rin’s breath hitches. Rei pulls back, looks at Rin who looks at him and then they’re kissing again, Rei sliding back against the pillows and feeling Rin’s reassuring weight overtop of him.

“Ahhh, fuck, I’m getting up, I need to get up now,” Rin groans, sounding pained. “We are not fucking doing this a) right now, after the thing that happened with the pills that will be a discussion for a later time, and b) without the others. Not the first time. They’d rip my balls off.”

This he says neatly, sliding off the bed and Rei reaches out after him. Rin grabs Rei’s outstretched hand, kissing the knuckles absentmindedly. 

“Yo, where’s the parents?”

“My mom’s gone for the weekend,” Rei says, and Rin grins, wide and wicked and _fond_ , fond of _Rei_. 

“The whole. Entire. Weekend, huh?” Rin draws each word out to full significance.

He looks at Rei who looks at him.

“So, by…right now, did you mean right now continuing into the immediate future or did you mean –”

“I’m fuckin’ calling them.”


End file.
